LOVE
OR LUST? TEN THINGS TO DO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT
by
Coco Helado
Figuring
out what to do on a Saturday night is the easy
bit. The hard part is avoiding misunderstandings
about what it is you're really after. Whether
it's everlasting love or burning lust, you'll
want to tailor your plans accordingly. The following
guidelines should help you clearly and effectively
convey your true intentions.
IF
IT'S LOVE
Call at least four days in advance, requesting
the pleasure of her company.
IF IT'S LUST
Call her at least 20 minutes in advance, and
ask, "Can I come over?"
IF
IT'S LOVE
Maximize class factor. Channel Audrey Hepburn.
IF IT'S LUST Maximize jiggle factor. Channel
Pamela Anderson.
IF
IT'S LOVE
Cook most the meal yourself, but invite your
partner to join you for the finishing touches,
to give a sense of partnership. This meal should
convey the idea that loving domesticity can
be a feast for the senses. Choose a homey yet
delicious menu, such as roast chicken or rack
of lamb. Drizzle truffle oil over mashed potatoes,
transforming this ordinary dish into a veritable
bowl of luxuriousness.
IF IT'S LUST
Prepare appetizers before your guest arrives:
finger food, nothing fancy. Keep the lighting
low. The idea is that she may nibble, but YOU
are the main course.
IF
IT'S LOVE
Choose a restaurant based on romantic potential:
soft lighting, somewhat quiet ambiance, a menu
rooted in the Romance Languages: French, Spanish,
Italian.
IF IT'S LUST
Choose a restaurant where you can order over-rich
foods—oysters, foie gras, chocolate mousse—that
spoil quickly, implying that this is a one-time
opportunity, and there's no chance of a repeat
performance.
IF
IT'S LOVE
Discreetly take it as soon as it arrives, and
don't allow her to see it. Decline her offer
to split it with you. After all, her company
is payment enough.
IF IT'S LUST
Look at the bill. Then look at her. Say, "So.
Are you coming over?"
IF
IT'S LOVE
Ask him if there's anything he'd like to see.
After all, how bad can Samurai Tomb Destroyer
4 really be?
IF IT'S LUST
Choose something boring. Sit in the back row.
IF
IT'S LOVE
Go for a popular drama, comedy, or foreign film.
IF IT'S LUST
Reach for the box labeled, "Terms of Endearment."
But make sure you've switched the video inside
with the adult title, "Terms of Endowment."
Once you've turned it on, feign surprise, then
say, "Well, we might as well watch this one."
IF
IT'S LOVE
Tell her she's the most beautiful woman in the
room. Then take her up on the roof or into the
garden to look at the stars. Kiss her on the
lips.
IF IT'S LUST
Tell her she's the hottest babe in the room.
Then take her into the bathroom. Kiss her everywhere
but the lips.
IF
IT'S LOVE
Proudly introduce him to everyone as "Michael,
my boyfriend." Don't invite ex-boyfriends unless
they're truly good friends with no ulterior
motives.
IF IT'S LUST
Just say, "This is Michael." Look uncomfortable.
Make sure you invited as many of your exes as
you could. If it doesn't work out with Michael,
maybe you'll get lucky with one of them.
IF
IT'S LOVE
Surprise with box seats at the opera. Offer
to buy her the libretto.
IF IT'S LUST
Surprise her with seats at a strip club. Offer
to buy her a lap dance.
